The goal-shy forward
Avoiding this oxymoron is a no-brainer right? Yet it’s amazing how often promoted clubs splurge half their transfer budget on a striker who couldn’t find the back of the net if it was ablaze in his underpants. With the pedigree poachers targeted by the big guns the temptation is to take a punt on a frontman who has ripped apart an inferior league but one name should strike the fear of baby Jesus into the Cherries and Hornets – Andreas Cornelius. The Danish scoring ‘sensation’ made the grand total of eight appearances for Cardiff City in their inaugural top flight season and all for a whopping £8m.
AVOID: Jonathan Soriano (Red Bull Salzburg)[embedded content]
The last-big-pay-day mercenary
They arrive to huge fanfare, their gold-plated supercar increasing the insurance premium for the player’s car park ten-fold. With the experience gained from 500 top level appearances in their heads and the toil from 500 top level appearances in their withered hamstrings they say the right things, hold the scarf up at the correct angle, and smile impeccably for the flash of the cameras. It’s a familiar routine they have enacted many times before.
By November they will be injured. By June they will be gone.
AVOID: Kolo Toure
The big-fish-small-pond ‘superstar’
The balloons from the promotions parties have yet to deflate but already the exciting realisation has dawned on supporters: That Premier League status makes a marquee signing possible. The names being bandied around the forums include Tomas Rosicky and Niko Kranjcar but its worth remembering that a big ego at a small club usually spells disaster. For either club to survive will be a minor miracle, an achievement made all the more difficult should they carry a player who thinks that tracking back is deserving of a bonus and appreciative round of applause.
AVOID: Tomas Rosicky[embedded content]
The sentimental return
A teenage Jermain Defoe was as lethal as Dexter in a bad mood in his brief spell on the south coast back in the day tearing up the record books into the bargain. Now 32 and somewhat drifting the return of the prodigal son seems a perfect fit on paper. But what’s that Jermain? You want your 70 grand a week wages? Well that’s not very sentimental is it?
AVOID: Jermain Defoe
The Youtube sensation
Twinkling of feet with at least two e-acutes above his name this Mediterranean wonderkid is a Messi in the making judging by the two minute clip accompanied by hard NRG that makes your ears bleed. He’s been linked with Real Madrid too. His agent said so. This diamond in the rough – and take your pick from a veritable multitude touted by bedroom scouts across the land – may be the perfect Football Manager signing but in reality should be given the widest of swerves.
AVOID: Humam Tariq[embedded content]